Tinder Take 19: Mr. Darcy

Dear Mr. Darcy,

We have 6 friends in common.  I happen to like them all, especially the two who are my best friends so currently the odds are in your favor.

We both come in hot out the gate on a Friday night.  I already have plans so this will have to wait, but I express my confidence in our future fun.  

Some prodding around through the weekend and it's finally decided that we both want a lazy Sunday complete with specific party favors, lack of loneliness, and perhaps a couple adult beverages all while watching copious amounts of Netflix.  But only if we were not complete strangers.

A few hours of discussing later and you bite the bullet and invite yourself over only for me to agree.  Sounds like the beginning of a horror movie with the lead being me the dumb blond.  

You brought Xanax over.  I love you.  Usually this would have been the first down the hatchet, but with work the next day and me being on my second Makers on the rocks I regretfully decline.

We sit around trying to get sports apps to download so you can watch some game.  Then you really out do yourself.  You set up HBO GO on my Apple TV.  Double love you now.  

We order pizza, almost finish my Makers, and have a great night complete with an adventure for ice cream in the snow.  We had the munchies, lay off.  I won't mention the other items we purchased, but let's say we had a good laugh with the men behind the counter.  Or you did rather with them while I blushed and wanted to disappear.

In conclusion, you have a southern accent, like to be decadent, have a car, and were nice to me.  I win again!  I can tell this is going to be a ridiculous ride and I'm ready to hold on tight.  

PS: Watching East Bound and Down has made it very easy to stay in this week.

xoxo,

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 18: Tinder Spice

Dear Tinder Spice,

I do not remember you in the original group, but I think you would have given Geri a run for her money.

We were supposed to go out on a Saturday, but I overdid it Wednesday, Thursday, AND Friday so instead of showing up looking haggard I canceled.  You moved that day so I'm sure that was a relief.

You tell me you are a spice trader during our texting.  How old school.  Very intrigued.  Picturing Christopher Columbus, but the Jersey version with his dog who is wearing sunglasses in one of the Tinder pictures.  Nailed it.

We finally agree to go to a whiskey bar we have both wanted to try.  Menu was fantastic.  We keep agreeing to get round after round.  I usually get some kind of judging feeling at this point, but I like that I'm not.  Yes please, one more round.

After going through 2 servers we settle up and start walking.  After several blocks and passing the Path Train (we'll get to that) I ask where we're headed.  You suggest a dive bar - with emphasis on it being a dive in the West Village that you frequent.  I'll fall for champagne and oysters any day of the week, but I'm much more comfortable in this setting.

Back to mention of the Path train.  For you out of towners, this goes to New Jersey.  Big no no.  Within the first 5 minutes Tinder Spice let's me know that he not only works in Hoboken, but also lives there.  I would never have agreed had he told me this prior.  In hindsight I'm still a bit torn, but I am happy he waited.  Good guy.  Let's also not forget the part where he is the 5th generation in line to owning his family spice trading company.  I like it.

So we continue to said dive bar.  He wasn't kidding.  This place is fantastic.  The elderly lady behind the bar knows him by name and we continue our drink for drink a thon with Makers on the Rocks.  At one point he expresses his surprise that I can keep up.  Not sure this is the greatest trait, but better than throwing up in my dinner I suppose.

I told my date before meeting that I had a 9:30 client walk through with my boss in soho the next morning.  My plan was to take it easy.  At approximately 3:45 AM we both decide to call it a night.  Oops.  

The next morning I slept through my alarm quite a bit, but still managed to meet in Soho at 9:45 and nail my meeting.  "Trains were messed up".  Usually works in NYC.

They should run tests on me and sell my blood for party fuel, because I don't know how I manage this at times.

All in all Tinder struck again.  Not only was Tinder Spice handsome and very sweet, but a lot of fun too.

Until this weekend....spice up your life!  (Pssst, that's a Spice Girls lyric)

xoxo,

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 17: Let's Make Music

Dear Music,

We text for a few weeks, which happens on occasion when all parties are busy.  We finally settle on a night and you suggest we see a show at Glasslands.  I like this already.  We meet up at a new bar I've been wanting to try in Williamsburg.  Well done again.  You seem a little nervous, but I think that's endearing and it always puts me at ease to know that I'm sitting next to someone who has emotions.

The band is great.  If you haven't seen Foxes I recommend them.  The chick who's the lead singer has a very sexy voice.

This is when the night gets blurry.  We're bourbon for bourbon and your weight is easily 2 of me.  An old flame, as we'll call him (winky face) and I were texting so this genius decides to meet up with him and a friend who I also know - yes with Music.  Can't really divulge too much of what happened at this point, because I don't remember.  I come around once we get to my apartment, but there is about 30% clarity still.

Although we both over served ourselves I wake up knowing I'm into you and want round 2.

He asks me out for a movie that Sunday.  Yay.  He also lives about a 10 minute walk from my apartment, which is HUGE in New York - especially Brooklyn.

Sunday's date was the first date I'd been on in a long time that felt normal and not a race to drunk town shag town.  Only oopsy I made was asking if he had ever been to Union Pool and apparently he had, with me, for tacos on the first date at my request.  Awesome.  

Now time for "date" three.  This one wasn't planned, but I was by his office after a freelance meeting so gave it a shot.  To make a long story short he has his own recording studio and it was....amazing.

I've been smitten at this point before so I'm not going to get too worked up about this one, but I'll admit to the butterflies in my stomach and the mind blowing chemistry.

Thanks again Tinder!

xoxo,

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 16: Featherweight

Dear Featherweight,

You're a photographer.  Cool.  You're Australian.  Cool.  You are a handsy drunk after three drinks.  Not so cool.

My turn.

We meet up in the East Village.  Get drinks and dinner and I don't remember going home.  Boring.

Fast forward.

You meet up with two of my friends and I who are hell bent on partying on Thanksgiving.  Yes, Thanksgiving.  Don't judge.  I assume you have friends with you, but nope.  We go to a bar and after being accosted by every man in there you let me dance with the girls and creepily watch from a table.  Not watch, but STARE.

We decide to call it a night at 3:30 at Le Baron, stumble around Chinatown alley's for a bit until I insist on us going home.  You leaving the next morning did not happen fast enough.  I'm not that lonely.

Not too much else to say, because you are just odd and too much into commenting on my looks, but good luck.  You won't be seeing this "fit" girl again.

xoxo,

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 15: Fly Boy

Dear Fly Boy,

You looked like a meat head in your pictures, which I don't do - but something caught my eye.  I'll try anyone once.  Not really.  

You work for a successful hotel group that specializes in design, which isn't a bad connection in regards to enhancing my Rolodex.  This is New York after all and we all use each other at least a little.  

The usual texting BS and jokes were on point for my sense of humor.  So far so good.  My response to your, "What are you looking for with Tinder" was "Adding to all the fun I'm having already."  What warm blooded man wouldn't like that response.

You inform me that you have to leave for a month for survival training Thursday (it's Monday at this point), because you are in the reserves as a pilot.  33 years old is a little past the prime for that no?  Not my concern.  What is my concern however is leaving you with a heaping dose of BWinTBC before Thursday.  Time to schedule wrangle.

We agree to meet at 9 in SOHO at some bar.  I dash home after work, get hot, and go on my merry way.  To paint you a picture - I am wearing a white frill hem dress and black pointy toe stiletto pumps that make my legs look insane.  I don't know much about meat head fly boys, but I can assume from our exchanges and from the stereotypes that I have nailed it on this particular occasion.  

Now for the date.  The second you opened your mouth I knew I was in for a night filled with ample amounts of testosterone.  We start down the street to find a new destination, because your "favorite bar" where we meet is now closed.  You ask if I'm ok to walk in my shoes (they wouldn't really do much for me if I couldn't), but I say yes politely and you pretty much high five yourself for being such a gentleman.  

We poke our heads in a few places that are all packed and then decide on some bar that is way too bright and with the level of enthusiasm you are displaying is almost too much for me.  Bourbon time.  You order a vodka soda, but upon realizing they serve PBR you switch your order.  Cool.  Not only do you out weight me easily by 100 lbs, but you are now going to basically drink water as I imbibe heavily.  F it.  This isn't the kind of date where I plan on concerning myself with sobriety.  

I don't get the amount of high fives in a month, hell a year, that I got on this date.  Imagine two frat brothers going out for beers to catch up.  They're quoting Anchorman and Stepbrothers while chest bumping and high fiving each other while finishing one another's sentences.  Now replace one frat brother with a petite cute blond from Texas.  That would be me and that is how this date went.  I decide I would like to un-bro it a bit so after two drinks I suggest somewhere "cooler".  

Wherever we went had one hell of a view and this is when my now 3 bourbons kick in.  Fly boy was on his 3rd beer.  We can imagine who was at what level of sobriety at this point in the date.    

I'll have to fast forward a bit here to keep it PG, but let's just say my delivery of good night at 2AM went something like this, "I've gotta peace out."  I'm not kidding.  I remember this clearly, because Fly Boy asked me to repeat myself with a stunned look on his face.  Albeit smiling stunned.  Ain't my first rodeo.  

The next morning I wake up with a sore tail bone and lump on the back of my head.  Remember Cher flipping her hair back in Cluless with Christian the cake boy in bed while watching Some Like it Hot and Spartacus, which resulted in a nice roll to the floor?  I did my best rendition.  

Fun fact readers!  This is the second time I've done this since June.  One last high five for good measure.     

As I'm leaving Fly Boy asks me if we'll hang out when he gets back.  I say yes.  It's not like I'm getting married in the next month and it was one hell of a ride....winky face.

Good luck being tortured in the wilderness for a month.  

xoxo,

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 2.1: The Little Bulldog

Dear LB (aka Sauna),

I've had an unspoken rule of sorts that I do not double down on my Tinder posts.  Reasoning is that I see some redeeming quality in you and out of respect leave it at post one.  Rules are meant to be broken.

Last night I meet up with you and four other gentlemen at a lovely establishment by your apartment.  Your roommate is one of these characters who I have met twice prior.  He asks, "Who are you" promptly upon returning from the bathroom from what I can only assume was for extra curricular activities.  Let's politely say that roommate was wide eyed.  White candy, the male version (not the tart from Sir Slurs A Lot) proceeds to grill me.  I'm told this is what he does to people he likes and if he were paying no attention to me it would be a bad thing.  I throw it right back and we come to the conclusion that he's an only child.  No offense to the only children out there.  Some are perfect stereotypes and he is one of them.

We continue with a few beers and my grill session and LB takes a bathroom break.  This is when roommate crosses the line.  He says, "What are you doing?  You're pretty."  I inquire further even though I know where he is going with this.  Roommate bluntly asks why I'm dating LB, do I actually like him etc. etc.  These two boys grew up together and here is his roommate making comments about how he can't hit on someone his "friend" is dating.  Well done roommate.  Haven't met an ass clown like you in quite some time.

You may be thinking, ok BWinTBC so what.  Story isn't over.

The three of us leave to go back to their apartment.  I go down to LB's room to use the bathroom and LB attempts to come in.  Girls behind locked doors are there for a reason.  Let them be.  After I let him in he runs himself a bath and gets in.  Can you say you've seen a grown man splash around in a bathtub at 1:00 AM on a Monday?  I can.

After attempting to pull me into the tub (I'm fully clothed) he gives up and has me help him smoke from his pipe since his hands are wet.  I'm laughing so hard I'm crying at this point.  He's sliding around on his stomach ass up in a tub.  My parents have a similar picture of my brother and I in a tub...at ages 3 and 5 prospectively.

Hope your night was equally as eventful readers.  Until next time...

xoxo,
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 14.1: College Crush

Dear Crush,

Thanks for cleaning up my yard, buying me plants, and planting them.  Good luck with your temper.

I'm back kids. 

Ready.  Set.  Tinderrrrrrrrr!

xoxo,

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 14: College Crush

Dear Crush,

I'm grinning ear to ear as I begin to write this.

Your picture popped up on Tinder and I froze.  No way.  Old crush from college that may or may not remember who I am.  Right swipe.

A few hours later I receive the notification that never gets old, "Congratulations!  You have a new match!"  There you are in all your adorable hipster glory.  Your tagline is, "Loud, endearing, doting, flawed, emotional and sensitive to criticism, but young and full of fire and brimming with inspiration."  I may or may not already love you for that alone.  I went to art school and am a sucker for the creative romanticised life that comes along with that type.

I begin with, "I would say it's a small world, but looks like it isn't."  A brief chat to catch up and I give you my number.  You text me immediately.  Very cute...and endearing might I add.

Let's take a trip down memory lane...

I wonder how I can't manage to find my keys at times, but have the most vivid memories.  There was a bodega everyone called The Candy Shop by my college where we all bought beer and cigarettes.  I have the clearest memory of running into you and your ex there one night.  She was a friendly acquaintance and I admitted to having such a crush on you that night and basically congratulating her on dating you.  Last night as you were asking if I knew any of your college friends you admit to being flattered that I knew who you were regardless of not running with the same circle.  I'll share this story with you eventually, but admitting to googling you right off the bat may be enough for now.

Back to present day...

On a lovely summer night I have enlisted my two supportive friends to hit golf balls at Chelsea Piers.  Gotta practice up for Lucky.   A little texting here and there and we meet up in our (conveniently lives a few blocks away) neighborhood.  You are exactly as I remember and I immediately feel at ease.

3 drinks and a shared burger later I have stars in my eyes.  I can count the amount of times I've felt this relaxed on a "first date" on one hand.  After getting the check you offer to walk me home.  Obviously, I accept.  We cross the street and begin down the block as you take my hand.  I.  Can't.  Think.

I invite you in.  Shoes and clothes EVERYWHERE.  Unmade bed.  I've been told I live like a bachelor on several occasions.  Not dirty, but MESSY.  You make fun of me.  Deserved.

We have a beer in my yard and continue the uninterrupted conversation.

This is when the shared details end, but let's just say your alarm gave me a mild heart attack this morning.

I smile when your name pops up on my phone and I even moved the other standing Tinders around so I can see you again tomorrow.

You're a breath of fresh air Crush.  I can't wait to see where this goes.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 13: Lucky Lone Star

Dear Lucky,

You're 8th generation Texan halfsies raised in NYC.  So far you are the winner in my Tinder Box (as my father calls it).  Not in the Sir Slurs manner of competition.  

You open with, "If I were to say "TEXAS!!" what would you say?"

I respond with, "Yeehaw!!!"

Fail.

You were looking for "fight", but I went to art school so I'm playing naive on that one.

I'm from Texas if that wasn't apparent.  My tagline is TEXAS to BK.  Clever I know.

You have some additional information in your tagline that includes your last name so I do my snooping.  I like what I find.  Pedigrees align.  I'm well aware how obnoxious that statement is and I don't care.

You say you need a date to a Google hosted seersucker party.  I love parties and anything that screams prep.  Obviously I'm in.  You send me a picture of yourself the day before in your seersucker suit.  I appreciate people that don't take themselves too seriously.  The picture is of Lucky doing what looks to be a walk of shame in a non sober state...during daylight with "winning" in red snap chap font over it.  I wear a pink JCrew seersucker dress and killer heels.  Your orange Vans are the same color as my orange Kate Spade bag.  We couldn't have planned our outfits better if we tried.  I want that picture.

I walk in and see you right away.  I expected taller, but you aren't shorter than me so we're fine.  You are very entertaining.  I can see why you're so good at your job.

After 2 drinks and some hula hooping entertainment we move it on to Barraca for a pitcher of sangria.  Convo continues and I'm falling in for it hook line and sinker.  The childhood home your mother decorated was in Architectural Digest.  I am an interior designer.  Eye lash flutter.

Can't make a living on Tindering.  Or can I?

Next up, Spring Lounge.  I don't know why, but I love this dingy place.  I even took the drummer here.  All comes full circle.  You're a regular so that makes it even better.  I have been sick this week so I'm "juicing" like the hipster I can't deny I am at times.  This makes for a less than ideal drinking state.  My Irish blood runs thick, but this night I'm not hanging like the champ I usually am.  I notice I'm drunk, because I catch a slurred word.  Don't mess this up BWinTBC.  Time to make my exit.

I've been coughing all night so I know a kiss isn't in the cards.  I've already been invited on a golf outing and dinner next week.  I was on the golf team in high school, but I haven't picked up a club in about 4 years.  Monday is Ladies night at Chelsea Piers and I have enlisted my two amigos to help me shape my game up.  I rarely put all my eggs in one basket, but some baskets are better than others.

Until dinner next week, non cough kisses Lucky.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 12: Snooze

Dear Snooze,

You over use ! but I let it slide.  Your enthusiasm had me hesitant, but I thought it could be endearing in person.

Eh.

I was under the weather this past Monday, but for someone who's coughing like typhoid Mary in the office, I still manage to make plans.

Plan 1 was with another Tinder who agreed to take me to a movie.  This Tinder actually showed up to a bar several weeks ago and I gave him the brush off across the room as I was dancing with someone else.  Oops.  His persistence is to be taken as desperate at this point.  A quick Facebook search and sorry bud, but you mis represented on Tinder.  Flush.

Plan 2 is also a movie with you, Mr. Snooze.

You agree to go to whichever theater is convenient for me, because I'm sick.  Sweet.  I suggest grabbing a bite before.  Plans are made to eat at Shake Shack - first time for me.

Sidenote - burger was about as exciting as this date.  Fries were good.

Moving on.  We go to see This is The End which is the only saving grace.  Hysterical.  I might even see it again.

In conclusion, here is some advice because I have little else to contribute: don't be negative on a date.  People will read you as pessimistic and it's not a good look on anyone.  If you want to attempt bodily contact at any point on a date, do so in confidence.  If you come off as timid it won't be taken seriously.

Sorry for the snooze readers, after I get some rest I promise for a wilder Tinder next time.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 11: Tongue Tied

Dear Tongue Tied,

I'm not sure where to begin here, but I will do my best.

You were persistent, but in an aloof way.  You would ask plans and I would be busy or reschedule and then you would not respond.  I assumed you didn't care.

I'm not not sure how long it had been from the first Tinder chat to what I can only describe as the most awkward interaction I've ever encountered, but for arguments sake lets say 6 weeks.  Persistent.

I finally agree and prior to our "date" find you on Facebook through our mutual friend.  You were cute in some pictures and not in others.  Couldn't put my finger on it.  I considered canceling, but I don't do flaky so I follow through.

I see you standing out front from half a block away and smile.  Not terrible, but if you approached me at a bar I would not be interested.  When I said hi and went in for the ice breaking warm hug you FREEZE UP.  Aw.

A few days ago when the bar was suggested there was something familiar about it to me.  I had a slight inkling an ex fling worked there.  Lesson learned in ignoring instincts.  We walk in and sure enough who greets us?  Pretty Lights.  (Met him backstage blacked out at a Pretty Lights show in December)  May as well get two awkward situations out of the way at once.  "I was going to call you.  I finally finished a table."  Don't care.  He's trying to make furniture...so is every other hipster.

It is very apparent how we know each other.  This may or may not have added to Tongue Tied's nerves.

I can tell when a boy is nervous on a date, but I have never experienced someone literally not being able to form complete sentences.  I try my absolute best to be nice and engaging, but this is painful to watch.  After nursing your first beer you gulp the second and house the third.  At least it loosened you up a bit.  

I on the other hand do not have an empty glass at any point.  Well done Pretty Lights.

You smelled as though you hadn't showered in a few days.  Your greasy hair confirmed that.  I'm confused how a journalist can not speak, but perhaps hiding behind paper is safe.

I almost feel bad writing about you Tongue Tied, but here is it.  I honestly wish you luck in this game of life, because it's a rough world out there.

Pretty Lights gchatted me the following day asking if that was an OK Cupid date.  I lied and said I was doing a friend a favor by boosting this kid's confidence.  Attempt at saving some face.

Two weeks later I find Pretty Lights on Tinder.  I gave him a <3 for old time's sake and emailed him about it.  Some girl told him that she wanted him to make her c*m and change her panties in front of him.  LOL.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 10: Tiny Tinder

Dear Tiny,

We had a good thing going there for a while.  You were funny and interesting and I was quite looking forward to our date.  As we all know I'm hard to wrangle down and you were persistent without scaring me away.

Pressure and over eagerness sends me a packin.

You tell me to meet you at The Other Room in the West Village.  Sounds good.  I hit up my friends beforehand to kill time.  If I try going home to Brooklyn and coming back in on a weeknight there better be more than a few drinks on the line.  My one friend has been to this bar before and says, "It's really dark in there."  Great.  I'm completely blind in the dark.  I've begun to text my outfit as a precaution, because no one likes walking into a place looking like they're lost.  Add meeting a total stranger into that mix and you're a deer in the headlights.

I walk in and sure enough I can not see.  I text Tiny and in no time he's walking up.  Cute.  Looks like his picture.  Opens the door to the bar takes a step up and um something isn't right.  Oh.  There's only one step up and I am Tinderzilla.

We have a few drinks and I genuinely enjoy myself, but I can't be bothered to bend down for a kiss.  I will stand on my toes and strain my neck any night of the week, but the opposite will not suffice.

Good luck Tiny.  It's a tall world out there, but I have no doubt you'll find a sweet little Tinderbell to make you happy in that amazing West Village apartment you have.  I didn't go there if you're wondering.  He showed me pictures of it.

xoxo

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 9: Champagne and Oysters

Dear Champagne of Tinders,

You know those times when you see a picture of someone on Tinder and for some reason you are just wildly attracted to them?  This was very much one of those times.

Boys, if you look like you're a shoe in as part of the Kennedy clan I go weak in the knees.

We make plans for a date on Wednesday at 9:00.  A little later than I'd like, but fine.  You text me that day and say you're landing at 8:00.  Landing?  I crack an original joke about you flying in just for me.  Little did I know...

You decide on the lobby of the Mercer Hotel.  Bold, but I like it.  I walk in attempting to NOT look like I'm looking for a Tinder and fail, then awkwardly sit down and wait for you.

Score.  Much more handsome in person.  MUCH MORE.  Sigh.

We order drinks.  I'm nervous!  What is happening?!  I am no match for the 7 year age gap and that charming smile.

I find out that you do not live in New York, but travel here often, because you work in finance.  You do want to move here though so I'm still listening.  

Time for dinner at Lure.  I like boats.  You order for me - good boy.  We begin with oysters and champagne.  I don't care how pretentious this is.  I love it.

You begin to tell me that you have a 6:00 AM train to DC in the morning for a client.  "Wait, but you just landed" I say.  "Well, we already made these plans and New York is close enough so I thought I would just fly in here."  I do.  Yes, I take this man blah blah.  I do.

After dinner you come and sit on my side of the booth.  Yes, please come closer.  I'm comfortable and have loosened up at this point.  This is when I giggle, toss my hair, and reel him in...

After dinner we have a shameless makeout session at the bottom of the stairs right outside the restaurant door.  I've given JCrew Kids a shot recently so my dress is skimming the bottom of my derriere as I stand on my tip toes (he's tall).  I comment about this and as he says, "who cares" and comes in for more.  Champagne can kiss and kiss well.

You say you're walking me to a taxi before you stop acting like a gentleman and ask that I come up to your room.  Well, you just asked.  I politely decline as I have to be to work at 7:00.  So much self control.

My dad says play hard to get.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I don't.

Until your next trip to the big apple Champagne, safe travels.

xoxo,
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 8: What's Up Doc

Dear Doc,

You had me at the studly picture of you in a race car jump suit.  I like going fast.

My dad has been encouraging me to marry a doctor or a lawyer.  I'm not ready to settle down, but I like where his head's at.  He knows what it takes to keep this operation going.  He's been dealing with it for 27 years.

So you're from Long Island.  I'll let that one slide.  My college ex is from Long Island and I LOATHED going there, but you went to Chaminade.  I know that scene.  Point for you.

Notre Dame.  I'm Irish.  Point.

Your 1 beer to my 2.  -1 point for you or me?  Haven't decided.  Watching a man nurse a beer like that is confusing.

Asking for the check after 1.5 hrs.  -1 point for me.  Or so I thought until you texted me this morning already asking me out again.  I'm awarding myself 2 Points there.

You sail.  Point.

You have a car.  Point.

You're outdoorsy.  We'll cross that bridge later.

You and your brother are named after a cat mouse duo in cartoon form.  Good one parents.  Good one.

Not going to claim that you knocked my socks off, but you're handsome, get along with your mom, and could end up being a great catch.  Everyone deserves a few chances in my book.  Unless you punch me in the face I let stuff roll off.

Even Sir Slurs a Lot is queuing for round 2.

Until next time Doc.

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 7: Sir Slurs a Lot

Dear Sir,

I have never heard of a tinder party, but you gave it a shot.  After weeks of texting, adding me on Facebook (see warning in post 1), and both being too busy we meet.  

You gave me a call around 2:00 PM on a Wednesday and invited me over for wine.  Coincidentally I'm in your neck of the uptown woods.  You attempt to reassure me by saying you have a friend over so I won't be murdered.  FYI I think I stand a better chance fighting one man rather than 2.  I protest briefly, because I'm in the middle of my work day, but agree to come over afterwards.  Unless you're paying my rent, work comes first.  

I saunter on over to Central Park South after my work excursion, make my way through the myriad of tourists and prep myself for the best/worst.  A girl answers the door.  If I had a crystal ball and knew what the next 2 hours would entail I would have known why this girl (we'll dub her White Candy, because she expressed enthusiasm for it) seemed squeamish and unapproachable as I ask if you're home and introduce myself enthusiastically.  

We both walk out to the balcony where you and a friend have clearly been imbibing for hours.  At this juncture you announce that you have met both of us via Tinder.  I find this hysterical and silently applaud you/write you off for being so outrageous.  White Candy did not seem so amused.  Let's called her reaction hot and bothered.

As we continue this charade you begin to award each girl points for certain actions.  Game on.  I do not regard myself as a particularly competitive person.  This is a result of wining at the game of life.  The point game was funny until my "competition" asks if the attempted toss of a hockey puck wins her points.  Aw.

I have a party I to go to, not to mention a Grouper stand in following that, so I make moves back downtown.  Before I leave I use your restroom one last time.  4 beers in an hour and a half will getcha.  Knock knock on the bathroom door.  Time to try and snag the winning tinder?  Looks like it.  I react to an aggressive make out attempt in 2 ways, which are situational of course.  1. Join in for obvious reasons.  2. Push back and thwart ALL attempts.  I went halfsies on 2.  As unbearable as the girl was, I don't want to be the root of drama as I'm making a swift exit.  

I leave and text you, "I won."  I got an "I love you" response.  Point.  

Yesterday made for a good story and some dropped jaws over cocktails afterwards, but it would take a weekend away to Paris to convince me to put another minute into you.  

Good luck with White Candy.  I think y'all have a real future.  

xoxo

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 6: The Gardener

Dear Gardener,

We began Tindering when I was just a wee Tinderer.

We left it at me getting back to you when my schedule let up.  This is impossible when your work schedule and Tinder schedule jam you up.  Chico, that's for you.

A MONTH later at noon on a Thursday you Tinder me, "Lets meet up for some crazy unprotected (use your imagination)".  Can't violate the rights here - probably already am.

Not sure why I took you up on hanging out.  I was only slightly intrigued by your picture.  I would buffer here and say I'm not this vain, but I'm also not a liar.  You are pretty damn cute in person.  I'll give you that, even though you showed up in JORTS.  CUT OFF JORTS.  I get it, you get dirty, but CUT OFF JORTS.

The modesty you portrayed while discussing your investments and the 2 bedroom apartment you are floating solo got me.  Nope, not vain.

They say Jewish boys are good catches because their mothers train them well.  I agree in this case.  I don't mind your 6'2" frame either.

Perhaps I'll see you again tonight, because you can't get enough.  Wink wink.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 4: Cali

Dear Cali,

You were much better looking in person.  Point BWinTBC.  I walked into Lafayette and had a hard time not pulling my phone out ON THE SPOT (I did when you went to check on our table) to text my friend how hot you were.

Tinder Take 4 wins the look race thus far.  Pierre does not count.

Having two mutual friends was a nice jumping off point.  Our texting was amusing and I was intrigued.  I should not have put you off.  Had I known your time here was limited AND how desirable you were I would have pounced sooner.  Don't worry readers, pounce I did.

You get major props for taking me to a nice dinner.  As amusing as this Tindering is I sure do enjoy a tasty meal and more so, tasty drinks.  Sorry about that bill.  I'm sure it was painful.  You kept up though.  Suppose a man who's almost a foot taller than me should.

Lauren Bacall sat next to us at dinner.  She's NUTS.

Your longest relationship has been 1.5 months, which you happily divulged during dinner.  Interesting. I like a challenge, but add LA to that mix and even I know when to toss in the towel.

I happily saw you again before your most likely permanent exit back to LA.  Good luck with the attempted journey to NYC.

Hope our paths cross again TT4.  You're a doll and I wish you nothing but good things.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 3: Georgia

Dear Georgia,

As in the nation, not state famous for their tasty peaches.

You didn't look like your picture exactly.  Happened to me last night, but in a good way.

You ordered beet salad and I ordered bacon mac and cheese.  Off to a good start.  What else is a girl supposed to eat when she's still recovering from the previous night's Tinder?

You peaked my interested when you divulged your past as a professional soccer player in Portugal. Point.  You also peaked my interest when you told me about your near death experience with some blood thirsty thugs.  Apparently Georgia has had some turmoil.  Hence the migration to 'Merica.

I was absolutely impressed with your poker face as we each downed about 6 whiskeys.  Well played sir.  I rarely meet my match.

You've texted me a couple times inviting me out, but I'm a busy girl in high demand.  Perhaps one of these days I'll slow down and take you up on another Tinder challenge.  After all - I do like games.

Hope you have better luck shooting next time Georgia.

BWinTBC

Tinder take 2: The Little Bulldog

As I stated in my previous post I am not one for patience so here is Tinder Take 2: The Little Bulldog (aka Sauna).

Dear LB,

You have called me sugarfoot and boo.  I love nothing more than being referred to as a tasty appendage or an absurd excuse for a dog.  Google "Boo the dog" if you aren't following.

Our Tindering began like all others: attempting to out do each other's clever one liners, sharing amusing stories, and confirming our mutual love for having fun.  I have VERY high standards.  I believe I caught your attention when I gave you my Rebel Bingo tickets, because I had a friends birthday party.  My pay back was to be dinner that week.

You took me to Fatty 'Cue.  My restaurant connoisseur friend told me it was very good. 2 points for LB.  1 for good grub and 1 for coming to Brooklyn.  A monsoon took New York over that night so we had the restaurant to ourselves.  I thoroughly enjoyed your company.

The details of how we came about the following circumstances escape me, but not important.  My lovely foodie friend (by miracle) agreed to come on a double date with LB, his roommate (Le Chef), and I.  LB sidetracks us to some meeting with his brother prior to our double Tinder and I attempt to warm Le Chef up.  This proved to be Le Difficult.

I get nervous about my friend walking into this, but nothing cures awkward like an abundance of tequila.  Dinner and drinks were good, but let's cut to why LB is called LB.  My friend and I begin to notice LB's aggressive (in a good, gets things done way) side.  I say, "He's like a little bulldog."  LB is around my height.  Tinder doesn't have an option to scale your Tinders into their surroundings so its a shot in the dark.

In short, you're in the running as a top contender LB.  Keep it up and I look forward to the sauna tonight.

Winky Face.

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 5: The Drummer

Dear Drummer,

You had me at your tagline, "Long hair.  Don't Care".  Swoon.  

The witty banter back and forth had me quite intrigued.  I appreciated the warm gesture of offering me your bed when I had work being done on my apartment.  "We're all adults here."  Was the response to me thinking this was bold.  A little display of confidence and hook line and sinker.

I double booked myself last night.  Oops.  Sorry to my dear friend for making you look crazy as I excused myself from date 1, because of your "mean boyfriend" and "excessive crying"  The other boy is a Tinder with a Sauna in his bedroom.  Update to follow tomorrow - rescheduled him for tonight.

I'm rarely one to be patient so when you told me you were out of town all weekend I cleared out my night.  You suggest Union Square, but I suggest SOHO, because Union Sq is a block from sauna.  I'm not trying to hurt feelings here.  We began at Spring Lounge with 2 whiskeys on the rocks - swoon some more.

2 drinks down and we move it on over to Sweet and Vicious.  You admit to me that my Tinder pictures don't do me justice.  I inquire further.  "For the first 30 minutes I was really nervous, because you're much prettier than I anticipated."  I'm paraphrasing here, but let's just say he made me feel like a babe.  I blush, look down, and giggle.  I don't know how to take this sort of thing from a 6'3" sexy as hell drummer with a full sleeve tattoo.  Let's be honest, I know exactly how to take this...and I do.

I admit I'm a bit smitten with you drummer.  I didn't anticipate you being kind or thoughtful, but I like surprises.  Have a fun weekend drumming in your band and I'll see you next week.

xoxo
BWinTBC    

Tinder Take 1: Dorito

Dear Dorito,

It was so nice of you to come out to Brooklyn from Gramercy Park on a Sunday when subways don't run, when you had to charge your phone at dunkin donuts 4 blocks from the bar prior to meeting, and when you then tried out drinking me.  Won't work.  You may get better looking (he didn't), but you won't keep my hoodie hostage forever.  It's my favorite.  The story you shared about pooping your pants was riviting.  You really impressed my friends.  Surprised you aren't called orange poopcicle instead of Dorito.

He's a ginger if no one caught that.

It's cute that you told me your roommate thinks I'm a catch.  It was even cute when you tried meeting me while I was getting a mani pedi with my girlfriend after I asked you NOT to thrice.  Damn hoodie.

Until we meet again (for my hoodie)...put some cologne on.  I can smell how bad your want a girlfriend from Brooklyn.

Xoxos,

BWinTBC

Nice to Meet You

Hi, 

I'm that girl you don't want to take on a date for a few reasons.  1.  The next two days at work will suck for you.  See item 2. 2.  I'll drink more than you and you'll try to keep up and you'll fail.  You'll also be buying those $12 Whiskey Gingers I'm throwing back like dad at Christmas.  3.  You'll end up on this blog and I might send it to your friends, because you were naive enough to add me on Facebook. 

Ready, set, Tinderrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I have a really high score. 

BWinTBC