Tinder Take 7: Sir Slurs a Lot

Dear Sir,

I have never heard of a tinder party, but you gave it a shot.  After weeks of texting, adding me on Facebook (see warning in post 1), and both being too busy we meet.  

You gave me a call around 2:00 PM on a Wednesday and invited me over for wine.  Coincidentally I'm in your neck of the uptown woods.  You attempt to reassure me by saying you have a friend over so I won't be murdered.  FYI I think I stand a better chance fighting one man rather than 2.  I protest briefly, because I'm in the middle of my work day, but agree to come over afterwards.  Unless you're paying my rent, work comes first.  

I saunter on over to Central Park South after my work excursion, make my way through the myriad of tourists and prep myself for the best/worst.  A girl answers the door.  If I had a crystal ball and knew what the next 2 hours would entail I would have known why this girl (we'll dub her White Candy, because she expressed enthusiasm for it) seemed squeamish and unapproachable as I ask if you're home and introduce myself enthusiastically.  

We both walk out to the balcony where you and a friend have clearly been imbibing for hours.  At this juncture you announce that you have met both of us via Tinder.  I find this hysterical and silently applaud you/write you off for being so outrageous.  White Candy did not seem so amused.  Let's called her reaction hot and bothered.

As we continue this charade you begin to award each girl points for certain actions.  Game on.  I do not regard myself as a particularly competitive person.  This is a result of wining at the game of life.  The point game was funny until my "competition" asks if the attempted toss of a hockey puck wins her points.  Aw.

I have a party I to go to, not to mention a Grouper stand in following that, so I make moves back downtown.  Before I leave I use your restroom one last time.  4 beers in an hour and a half will getcha.  Knock knock on the bathroom door.  Time to try and snag the winning tinder?  Looks like it.  I react to an aggressive make out attempt in 2 ways, which are situational of course.  1. Join in for obvious reasons.  2. Push back and thwart ALL attempts.  I went halfsies on 2.  As unbearable as the girl was, I don't want to be the root of drama as I'm making a swift exit.  

I leave and text you, "I won."  I got an "I love you" response.  Point.  

Yesterday made for a good story and some dropped jaws over cocktails afterwards, but it would take a weekend away to Paris to convince me to put another minute into you.  

Good luck with White Candy.  I think y'all have a real future.  

xoxo

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 6: The Gardener

Dear Gardener,

We began Tindering when I was just a wee Tinderer.

We left it at me getting back to you when my schedule let up.  This is impossible when your work schedule and Tinder schedule jam you up.  Chico, that's for you.

A MONTH later at noon on a Thursday you Tinder me, "Lets meet up for some crazy unprotected (use your imagination)".  Can't violate the rights here - probably already am.

Not sure why I took you up on hanging out.  I was only slightly intrigued by your picture.  I would buffer here and say I'm not this vain, but I'm also not a liar.  You are pretty damn cute in person.  I'll give you that, even though you showed up in JORTS.  CUT OFF JORTS.  I get it, you get dirty, but CUT OFF JORTS.

The modesty you portrayed while discussing your investments and the 2 bedroom apartment you are floating solo got me.  Nope, not vain.

They say Jewish boys are good catches because their mothers train them well.  I agree in this case.  I don't mind your 6'2" frame either.

Perhaps I'll see you again tonight, because you can't get enough.  Wink wink.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 4: Cali

Dear Cali,

You were much better looking in person.  Point BWinTBC.  I walked into Lafayette and had a hard time not pulling my phone out ON THE SPOT (I did when you went to check on our table) to text my friend how hot you were.

Tinder Take 4 wins the look race thus far.  Pierre does not count.

Having two mutual friends was a nice jumping off point.  Our texting was amusing and I was intrigued.  I should not have put you off.  Had I known your time here was limited AND how desirable you were I would have pounced sooner.  Don't worry readers, pounce I did.

You get major props for taking me to a nice dinner.  As amusing as this Tindering is I sure do enjoy a tasty meal and more so, tasty drinks.  Sorry about that bill.  I'm sure it was painful.  You kept up though.  Suppose a man who's almost a foot taller than me should.

Lauren Bacall sat next to us at dinner.  She's NUTS.

Your longest relationship has been 1.5 months, which you happily divulged during dinner.  Interesting. I like a challenge, but add LA to that mix and even I know when to toss in the towel.

I happily saw you again before your most likely permanent exit back to LA.  Good luck with the attempted journey to NYC.

Hope our paths cross again TT4.  You're a doll and I wish you nothing but good things.

xoxo
BWinTBC

Tinder Take 3: Georgia

Dear Georgia,

As in the nation, not state famous for their tasty peaches.

You didn't look like your picture exactly.  Happened to me last night, but in a good way.

You ordered beet salad and I ordered bacon mac and cheese.  Off to a good start.  What else is a girl supposed to eat when she's still recovering from the previous night's Tinder?

You peaked my interested when you divulged your past as a professional soccer player in Portugal. Point.  You also peaked my interest when you told me about your near death experience with some blood thirsty thugs.  Apparently Georgia has had some turmoil.  Hence the migration to 'Merica.

I was absolutely impressed with your poker face as we each downed about 6 whiskeys.  Well played sir.  I rarely meet my match.

You've texted me a couple times inviting me out, but I'm a busy girl in high demand.  Perhaps one of these days I'll slow down and take you up on another Tinder challenge.  After all - I do like games.

Hope you have better luck shooting next time Georgia.

BWinTBC

Tinder take 2: The Little Bulldog

As I stated in my previous post I am not one for patience so here is Tinder Take 2: The Little Bulldog (aka Sauna).

Dear LB,

You have called me sugarfoot and boo.  I love nothing more than being referred to as a tasty appendage or an absurd excuse for a dog.  Google "Boo the dog" if you aren't following.

Our Tindering began like all others: attempting to out do each other's clever one liners, sharing amusing stories, and confirming our mutual love for having fun.  I have VERY high standards.  I believe I caught your attention when I gave you my Rebel Bingo tickets, because I had a friends birthday party.  My pay back was to be dinner that week.

You took me to Fatty 'Cue.  My restaurant connoisseur friend told me it was very good. 2 points for LB.  1 for good grub and 1 for coming to Brooklyn.  A monsoon took New York over that night so we had the restaurant to ourselves.  I thoroughly enjoyed your company.

The details of how we came about the following circumstances escape me, but not important.  My lovely foodie friend (by miracle) agreed to come on a double date with LB, his roommate (Le Chef), and I.  LB sidetracks us to some meeting with his brother prior to our double Tinder and I attempt to warm Le Chef up.  This proved to be Le Difficult.

I get nervous about my friend walking into this, but nothing cures awkward like an abundance of tequila.  Dinner and drinks were good, but let's cut to why LB is called LB.  My friend and I begin to notice LB's aggressive (in a good, gets things done way) side.  I say, "He's like a little bulldog."  LB is around my height.  Tinder doesn't have an option to scale your Tinders into their surroundings so its a shot in the dark.

In short, you're in the running as a top contender LB.  Keep it up and I look forward to the sauna tonight.

Winky Face.

BWinTBC

Tinder Take 5: The Drummer

Dear Drummer,

You had me at your tagline, "Long hair.  Don't Care".  Swoon.  

The witty banter back and forth had me quite intrigued.  I appreciated the warm gesture of offering me your bed when I had work being done on my apartment.  "We're all adults here."  Was the response to me thinking this was bold.  A little display of confidence and hook line and sinker.

I double booked myself last night.  Oops.  Sorry to my dear friend for making you look crazy as I excused myself from date 1, because of your "mean boyfriend" and "excessive crying"  The other boy is a Tinder with a Sauna in his bedroom.  Update to follow tomorrow - rescheduled him for tonight.

I'm rarely one to be patient so when you told me you were out of town all weekend I cleared out my night.  You suggest Union Square, but I suggest SOHO, because Union Sq is a block from sauna.  I'm not trying to hurt feelings here.  We began at Spring Lounge with 2 whiskeys on the rocks - swoon some more.

2 drinks down and we move it on over to Sweet and Vicious.  You admit to me that my Tinder pictures don't do me justice.  I inquire further.  "For the first 30 minutes I was really nervous, because you're much prettier than I anticipated."  I'm paraphrasing here, but let's just say he made me feel like a babe.  I blush, look down, and giggle.  I don't know how to take this sort of thing from a 6'3" sexy as hell drummer with a full sleeve tattoo.  Let's be honest, I know exactly how to take this...and I do.

I admit I'm a bit smitten with you drummer.  I didn't anticipate you being kind or thoughtful, but I like surprises.  Have a fun weekend drumming in your band and I'll see you next week.

xoxo
BWinTBC    

Tinder Take 1: Dorito

Dear Dorito,

It was so nice of you to come out to Brooklyn from Gramercy Park on a Sunday when subways don't run, when you had to charge your phone at dunkin donuts 4 blocks from the bar prior to meeting, and when you then tried out drinking me.  Won't work.  You may get better looking (he didn't), but you won't keep my hoodie hostage forever.  It's my favorite.  The story you shared about pooping your pants was riviting.  You really impressed my friends.  Surprised you aren't called orange poopcicle instead of Dorito.

He's a ginger if no one caught that.

It's cute that you told me your roommate thinks I'm a catch.  It was even cute when you tried meeting me while I was getting a mani pedi with my girlfriend after I asked you NOT to thrice.  Damn hoodie.

Until we meet again (for my hoodie)...put some cologne on.  I can smell how bad your want a girlfriend from Brooklyn.

Xoxos,

BWinTBC

Nice to Meet You

Hi, 

I'm that girl you don't want to take on a date for a few reasons.  1.  The next two days at work will suck for you.  See item 2. 2.  I'll drink more than you and you'll try to keep up and you'll fail.  You'll also be buying those $12 Whiskey Gingers I'm throwing back like dad at Christmas.  3.  You'll end up on this blog and I might send it to your friends, because you were naive enough to add me on Facebook. 

Ready, set, Tinderrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I have a really high score. 

BWinTBC